Value

Can a philosopher please help us understand why it is so painful when someone you acknowledge disregards you in turn? Thanks, from South Africa.

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Sorry you've been having this sort of experience. And the amount of time it took for any of us to reply may give you the same sort of feeling you were asking about. But let me at least start with a possibly lame excuse. It sounds like what you want to know may be something more in the realm of psychology: what is it about how our minds work that can make snubs, rejection and the like psychologically painful? Why don't we just shrug it off?And insofar as the question deals with how minds actually work, philosophers aren't necessarily the best experts. That said, we're in a domain where ordinary experience and insight may be able to shed some light, so let's give it a try.

Part of the answer is that we sometimes do shrug such things off. If I nod to a stranger on the street and he doesn't nod back, I might experience a momentary sense of annoyance, but I'll probably have forgotten about it literally within seconds. Whether this stranger takes account of me isn't something that matters to me. But for most of us, friendship is an important part of our happiness and being valued by others makes a difference to our sense of self-worth. For almost all of us, there are some people whose regard matters to us. If someone I'm fond of and whose company I value starts treating my coldly, I may well be distressed. Part of the reason is that I stand to lose something that's a source of enjoyment and satisfaction: the pleasure of the person's company. But another part of the reason is that I may internalize the snub: I may take it to be telling me that there's something wrong with me, and thinking badly of oneself is not fun. And the stronger my feelings for the person who seems to have slighted me, the more I may feel hurt.

All of this is familiar, I think. But there's something else that's worth noticing. We're inclined to believe our own internal monologues. We over-interpret events and then go on to over-interpret our over-interpretations. We tell ourselves stories that may have nothing to do with reality. And a small event snowballs psychologically into a great big deal. Buddhist thinkers have a word for this: papañca or mental proliferation.

So part of the answer to your question may be that at least some of the time, the pain is self-generated. It comes from our tendency to believe our own stories. The good news is that insofar as this is true, there are ways to deal with it. We can cultivate the habit of noticing the proliferation and standing back from it, not getting caught up in the inner drama. The next time you find yourself reacting this way, try simply to notice that it's happening without judging yourself or blaming. Watch your thoughts go by without attaching to them. Paying attention to how it feels in your body can be a useful technique for not identifying with the story. It's not a magic cure, but it can help. Above all, though, be kind to yourself. Feelings like this are common to all of us. There's a kind of comfort in that thought.

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