When I was a child, I started asking myself: Why am I me? Why do I exist instead of not existing?
Now as an adult, this question started bothering me again as I started trying for a baby. With each cycle, I wondered, what if I conceive a baby today and not tomorrow? If a baby was to be conceived in any case, they would be a different person depending on if we have sex today or tomorrow.
What if my own parent had had sex on another day? They might have had another child that wouldn't have been me, hence I would have never existed. Of course then I would not have been there to ask the question. But why am I there to ask? What if I didn't exist at all? It's like I'm feeling my own consciousness looking at itself in the mirror for the first time and realizing it exists!
Then it brings me to the idea that if I didn't exist (or when I'll cease to exist when I die), my entire perception of the world will cease to exist too. Then it will be as if the world didn't exist at all, at least from my own point of view (which will be no more!). The/my entire world will just cease to exist. The real world might as well cease to exist too. This really makes my brain hurt.
It just really freaks my out that I exist instead of not existing. I can't imagine stopping to exist. This fills me with incredible anxiety.
My question actually is: Are there any philosophers who wrote about this? I would very much like to read them and find a bit of comfort in knowing I am not alone with my existential anxiety. I would also like to know more about this kind of double-sided perception of the world, for instance the idea that popped into my head that if I stop existing then the world will stop too (because I won't be there to be conscious of it). I know it's not how reality works but now that I've seen it from this point of view I cannot un-see it.
Thanks in advance!
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