My current relationship never had the sparks. I was never excited around him.

My current relationship never had the sparks. I was never excited around him.

My current relationship never had the sparks. I was never excited around him. He was very religious and would not even let me sit close enough to see if I liked him in ‘that way’. I met him when I first came to this city, however, we didn’t really seem like we hit off a friendship and lost touch. But after my first semester at college we accidently ran into each other at a common restaurant. We sort of became friends, although not very close. One of my friends at the time really did some things to let me down, and the person I’m now married to ‘came to the rescue.’ He told me that he could not be my friend without marring me because he was in love with me. I told him I was not ready and I wanted to wait for college to be over, but he brought up that it would be better to live together to pay half the bills and not be alone. I thought that was a good idea, and that I would eventually fall in love because we’d get to know each other and even if there’s not a romantic lust we’d learn to love each other over time. However, as time passed I never fell in love with him. I grew more lonely because we had nothing in common on top of never having ‘that spark’ it just felt like a roller coaster of pain, guilt, loneliness, and anger. I did bad in school losing scholarships and am on academic probation (I was a straight A student before). I have decided to move out and get my own place. He has immigration issues so when I bring up leaving he really brings on the guilt that he could be deported and his life ruined. He’s not physically abusive and he’s not out and out abusive but somehow the relationship has never felt right either. I don’t want to ruin his life by moving out (if immigration finds out) but I also don’t want to ruin my own (by not being able to cope and doing bad in school). Should I feel so much guilt? I always feel guilt for not falling in love and for making the wrong choice. I even feel guilt for wanting to leave so badly and despising his immigration situation. I don’t want to hurt him but I also really want to move on and find somebody to be in a relationship that is happy. I know that relationships take work, but this is all work and no fun. I don’t want to hurt him but I also am out of strength to stay not to hurt him. I did everything I could to fall in love with him and feel better about it. I just want the sadness and guilt to end. I care about him as a person, I don’t want to see harm come to him and I’d feel horrible if it did but I also really want to find a happy relationship. Should I feel guilty if I did everything I could not to ruin his life but my moving out ends up effecting his immigration?

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