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Existence

When I was a child, I started asking myself: Why am I me? Why do I exist instead of not existing? Now as an adult, this question started bothering me again as I started trying for a baby. With each cycle, I wondered, what if I conceive a baby today and not tomorrow? If a baby was to be conceived in any case, they would be a different person depending on if we have sex today or tomorrow. What if my own parent had had sex on another day? They might have had another child that wouldn't have been me, hence I would have never existed. Of course then I would not have been there to ask the question. But why am I there to ask? What if I didn't exist at all? It's like I'm feeling my own consciousness looking at itself in the mirror for the first time and realizing it exists! Then it brings me to the idea that if I didn't exist (or when I'll cease to exist when I die), my entire perception of the world will cease to exist too. Then it will be as if the world didn't exist at all, at least from my own point of view (which will be no more!). The/my entire world will just cease to exist. The real world might as well cease to exist too. This really makes my brain hurt. It just really freaks my out that I exist instead of not existing. I can't imagine stopping to exist. This fills me with incredible anxiety. My question actually is: Are there any philosophers who wrote about this? I would very much like to read them and find a bit of comfort in knowing I am not alone with my existential anxiety. I would also like to know more about this kind of double-sided perception of the world, for instance the idea that popped into my head that if I stop existing then the world will stop too (because I won't be there to be conscious of it). I know it's not how reality works but now that I've seen it from this point of view I cannot un-see it. Thanks in advance!
Accepted:
January 6, 2020

Comments

I don't have anything

Allen Stairs
January 16, 2020 (changed January 20, 2020) Permalink

I don't have anything insightful to offer here, but I can say for certain that you're not the first person to be puzzled by the sorts of things you're puzzled by. It's also very hard to articulate your question in a way that would make sense to someone who didn't "get" it.

As for philosophers who might have written about this, I'm going to offer up a long quote from a philosophically-inclined physicist, Hermann Weyl. This passage is from his Philosophy of Mathematics and Natural Science, originally published in 1927. I suspect there's no fully coherent way to make sense of the whole quote, but this passage has stuck with me for a very long time.

"The postulation of the ego, of the 'thou,' and of the external world is without influence upon the cognitive treatment of reality. It is a matter of metaphysics, not a judgment but an act of acknowledgement or belief... Yet this belief is the soul of all knowledge. From the metaphysico-realistic viewpoint, however, egohood remains an enigma. Leibniz... believed he had resolved the conflict of human freedom and divine predestination by letting God (for sufficient reasons) assign existence to certain of the infinitely many possibilities, for instance to the beings Judas and Peter, whose substantial nature determines their entire fate. This solution may objectively be sufficient, but it is shattered by the desperate outcry of Judas, 'Why did I have to be Judas?' The impossibility of an objective formulation of this question is apparent. Therefore no answer in the form of objective thought can ensue. Knowledge is incapable of harmonizing the luminous ego with the dark erring human being that is cast out into an individual fate." —Hermann Weyl

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