Question Recently a 19 year old woman killed herself after she was taunted by her high school classmates for doing a porn. The while situation makes me angry and upset. (though looking at the reported online comments they don't seem as bad or as I voluminous as you might imagine, and they were not all directed her. So there may be some other issues) Maybe it makes me angry partly because I often watch porn with women of that age but part of me feels uncomfortable about it because I don't know how it affects their lives or if they are doing it with a sufficiently developed sense of ownership about the consequences that decision may bring. But really should I feel bad for watching porn with younger women or should I direct my feelings toward a society that is unfairly judgmental and hypocritical about sex?

Accepted:
June 5, 2014

Comments

I don't know how much older you are than the women you watch with, and I don't know anything about the larger situation. I don't know why you aren't picking companions closer to your own age, and I don't know anything about the young women and your relationship with them. What I'd think in detail would depend on all that. But generalizations about "society" are typically pretty vapid. Does "society" mean "most people?" How do you know? Do you have any real evidence as opposed to impressions, anecdotes and a look at website comments by high-schoolers? And most important, what does this have to do with whether you should be doing what you're doing?

We can agree that the high-schoolers should have kept their comments to themselves. We can also agree, at least for argument's sake, that a 19-year-old could make a clear-eyed, responsible decision to make a porn. But that's not the issue. The issue is how you should be dealing with the particular young women you're talking about, in the particular circumstances you all find yourselves in.

You've given a couple of good reasons for being uncomfortable. They'd still be good reasons even if there are a lot of judgmental hypocrites around. There probably are other reasons as well. Do the reasons add up to the conclusion that you shouldn't be doing what you're doing? I'm not about to say. What I'm willing to say is that it would be a lot better to explore your moral discomfort directly without turning to vague, irrelevant generalizations about "society." That kind of deflection is a recipe for rationalization rather than honest self-assessment.

And one more thing: you're absolutely right to be wondering about the point of view of the women you watch with. You might consider actually talking with them about it, in a setting where everyone concerned will feel free to be honest.