Topics Love

Question I've been going around asking people what the most important part of marriage and love is. The two I always hear the most are communication and patience. But is there actually a correct answer? Are some aspects in a relationship more important than others? Is a romantic relationship possible if there is no affection? No sex?

Accepted:
October 3, 2013

Comments

I'd say most of what you're asking isn't something that philosophers have any special insight into—at least if "important" means "most likely to make for success." When it comes to questions about how daily life actually works, philosophers are in the same boat as everyone else.

I suppose someone might say that we can make a distinction between what's likely to work best and what's most important in some not-merely-practical sense. Philosophers might then have something to say, but I find it hard to image that there'd be a single compelling answer.

Your last question, however, did pique my curiosity: could there be a romantic relationship without sex or affection? That's a conceptual matter, and is therefore the sort of thing that spins philosophers' wheels. A romantic relationship without sex is clearly possible. Couples who are "saving themselves for marriage" provide lots of examples. And it might be that many people would call an ongoing sexual relationship a romantic relationship even if the people involved didn't really care like or care about one another. I'm guessing, however, that my hesitation here tells us something: to count as a romantic relationship, it may well be that feelings of affection and physical attraction have to be part of the package. However, if we take away sex and affection, it's not clear what reason we'd have to use the term "romantic."

That's where I'd take my stand if I had to, but I suspect it doesn't have much to do with what you were trying to figure out. I dare say that there's a good deal of empirical literature on the practical questions. Here's one sample from a quick bit of googling. And I even recall one persistent tidbit from other things I've read: apparently (sorry; can't recall the sources) how couple fight can be a good predictor of whether their relationship will last. In particular, if they treat each other with contempt, that's a bad sign. And so maybe that suggests a guess about what matters: treating each other with real respect.