Question Breaking up with a partner can be very hurtful for him or her. Should I admit that I cheated on him/her and that this is the reason for me to question our relationship or should I rather keep the secret in order not to hurt him/her more than necessary?

Accepted:
February 28, 2013

Comments

I cannot resist at least trying to respond to your question, but please know that this is a rather personal matter and many would think this is a matter for you to consider in light of respecting your partner and your own judgment about the consequences of making such a disclosure. Perhaps, though, I can be helpful in highlighting some factors to consider.

I suggest that promises to others can be (but are not always) binding even if the relationship ends. So, while obviously after a divorce or break-up one is not bound to (sexual) fidelity with one's x even if that had been promised with a vow, but there may be promises such as promising not to disclose information or secrets that were shared with the understanding that this was to be strictly confidential. I suggest that if the relationship you had (or you are about to break off) was built on the basis of trust and an explicit (or implicit) understanding that either of you would disclose any infidelity if it occurred, that would be a good reason to make the disclosure even as or after the relationship ends. This would be a natural conclusion based on the (at least ostensible) obligation to keep the promises we make (unless these "promises" were coerced, etc) and maintain one's integrity. On the other hand, one might also take into account the complex matters involved in "cheating." I have been assuming that the "cheating" you are referring to involves sexual infidelity, but there are all kinds of ways of (as it were) cheating in a committed relationship. If I am neglecting and completely ignoring my partner's needs or her central projects right now (as I have done, let us imagine, for years) and am focussing only on, say, writing a response to you on the "AskPhilosophers" site instead of being present and responsive to her, then I am (in a sense) right now cheating on my partner, the one with whom I have vowed to love, cherish, and to share our lives together. So, I suggest that sexual unfaithfulness is not the only kind of unfaithfulness (or acts done that are not disclosed). And thus....

I suggest that the key concerns lies in what the "cheating" involved means. Personally, I would regard sexual "cheating" as less grave and a reason for feeling hurt than the emotional withdrawal of love. If my partner "cheated" but claimed she still loves me and she "cheated" at a philosophy conference when she met a former partner and was intoxicated and she was angry about my neglecting her in order to work on "AskPhilosophers," this would or should be (for me) seem less grave and hurtful than if she "cheated" on the grounds that she no longer loves me. So, I suggest that in making your decision you might consider how much weight you think you ought to give to physical intimacy and the more general concern with your beloved's (or former beloved's) well being. If sharing that information is likely to lead to depression, self-hatred, and more by the X, that would count against disclosure. But if sharing might enable you both to change for the better, while you may no longer be lovers, this could be, in the words of the movie Casablanca, be the start of a beautiful friendship.

Question Breaking up with a partner can be very hurtful for him or her. Should I admit that I cheated on him/her and that this is the reason for me to question our relationship or should I rather keep the secret in order not to hurt him/her more than necessary? Accepted:February 28, 2013

Question Breaking up with a partner can be very hurtful for him or her. Should I admit that I cheated on him/her and that this is the reason for me to question our relationship or should I rather keep the secret in order not to hurt him/her more than necessary?

Accepted:
February 28, 2013