Topics Sex

Question Is it wrong to desire sex with a woman when your primary interests are only physical and hence you might not even know or have spoken to the woman you desire sexually? Or does that only become problematic when a man expresses interest to that woman in a manner which is unsolicited and hence it becomes an unwanted and creepy sexual advance?

Accepted:
March 7, 2013

Comments

I don't see anything wrong about desiring to have sex with someone you don't know. I rather suspect this is a completely normal aspect of human sexual experience, and that it is simply a reflection of sexual attraction. Tons of people fantasize about sex with celebrities, for example, or some beautiful person they saw momentarily on a train, or what have you.

Perhaps the word "desire" here is a bit unhelpful. Desires can be fleeting or life-long, momentary or sustained, deeply felt or like a twinge. I think it would definitely be strange, or even pathological, for someone to dedicate themselves to having sex with someone they'd merely seen, especially since they would have no reason whatsoever to think the desire mutual. That's not to say it would be creepy to try to take some steps to meet the person, but if one's only desire were for sex, then I think it is creepy again, since one has no reason to think the desire mutual. And sex isn't sex without mutuality, as this wonderful video makes plain.

In most cases we are talking about, then, I doubt that we are really talking about desire, about something one actually and actively wants. As Nancy Friday made clear almost thirty years ago in her classic book My Secret Garden, fantasy is one thing and genuine desire is something else. If I see a woman on a train I think is attractive, then even if I feel some "sexual desire" for her, it doesn't actually mean I would have sex with her if the opportunity actually arose. If she waltzed over to me and asked me if I'd like to go with her to the nearest hotel, I'd actually say "No", assuming I could get over my shock. But in fantasy, that can happen, and there is nothing wrong with the fantasy.

But yes, expressing that interest crosses a line, especially when it is a man expressing the interest to a woman. This is not because there is something intrinsically creepy about men expressing their attraction to women, but because it makes women feel unsafe, and not unreasonably so. It's totally different if you actually know someone. But if you do not know the person, how are they to know what your intentions really are?

I strongly recommend this article by Emily Heist Moss for some perspective on the issue.