Topics Love

Question I was with a man for a month. We chatted a lot, had so much fun. But at the end we decided that this relationship would not work because it is morally wrong in our religion. This is already 2 years since then, and I eventually missed him. But day by day I felt that what I miss is him as a friend. I realized that he also missed me, but as a lover (I know this from friends). I really want to meet him, start a fun conversation, but I think it will trouble him, because I do not want to be with him anymore. Do you think I should just step out of his life for the sake of protecting his feeling? Or do I have any responsibility to help him move on, forgetting me? If so, how?

Accepted:
July 5, 2012

Comments

This is such a personal matter, I have no right to reply, but your question(s) are hard to resist. There is no "official" philosophy of love out there for us all to consult. Still, philosophers in the past have suggested a few things that might be helpful. First, you might apply the "golden rule" of 'do unto others as you would want done unto you": what would you want or what would you do if the roles were reversed? How would you want him to act if he missed you, wanted to see you, but he did not want to be romantically involved with you and seeing him might trouble you? Another point to consider is Kant's thesis that you should never treat people in a way that is incompatible with regarding them as an end (or of value) in themselves. So, if I flirt with X only for my own pleasure, not caring how X might feel and without any serious regard for X's life, it seems I am simply using X rather than also considering X's own life.

Perhaps one other thought: you ask about what responsibility you might have with respect to this fellow. Some philosophers place such stress on autonomy that they might conclude you have no real responsibility; he is (presumably) an adult and he can decide for himself whether to meet for fun conversations and such. But I am inclined to think that when or if you actually love someone from the past or in your current life it does seem fitting that you act in ways that either promote his fulfillment or good or at least not act in ways that harm or compromise their good. This reflects a long standing philosophy of love that goes back to medieval philosophy to modern thinkers like Max Scheler and is sometimes referred to as beneficent love (as distinct from unitive love which is when the lover seeks to be united with the beloved). One way to describe your situation is a tension between beneficent love and unitive love.

But for me to write more would be way out of my league. Good wishes in all such matters, CT