Topics Ethics

Question Dear All, Few days ago, I read quote that stated "Life becomes easier when you accept apology that you never got". Recently, I broke up with my ex and he did something terrible to me, and most of friends that know my problem would say if he did something terrible and he needs to apologize. Unfortunately, his pride is way much bigger than his conscious. He never apologizes and I haven't feel so terrible because of him. How could I forgive him though he would never apologize to me? I want to forgive him even he never apologizes to me, I just want to feel better. Thank you.

Accepted:
June 7, 2012

Comments

Just what forgiveness amounts to is an interesting question. As a wise teacher once noted, it's not a matter of simply forgetting; even if I forgive someone, prudence might dictate that I be careful not to let them hurt me again. One way to think of it is that to forgive someone for what they've done is to cancel their moral debt to you, so to speak: not to ask for anything more by way of amends. Sometimes we forgive people because they've made amends or at least expressed real regret. Sometimes we do it even if they haven't come to see the wrong in what they did. Sometimes we do it because it does us no good to keep the debt on the books, and because the letting go liberates us.

The difference between this kind of forgiving and simply getting past some hurt may not be easy to see. If I don't dwell on the hurt but still feel contempt for the wrongdoer, that probably doesn't count as forgiveness. But for your situation, the difference may not matter. What I hear you saying is that you want to let go of whatever cluster of reactions and feelings is weighing you down. There's no easy way to do that, but the philosophical point, as it were, is that you're entitled to; cancelling the debt or reordering your feelings doesn't demand the cooperation of the one who hurt you. That said, it's worth repeating: it also doesn't mean pretending nothing happened. You're entitled to keep yourself from getting hurt again.