Topics Love

Question I have been dating a guy for about a year, and the chemical spark has faded for me. How important is this in a relationship? He is a very nice guy and I realize the value of this in a long term relationship.

Accepted:
September 23, 2010

Comments

If by "the chemical spark has faded" you mean that you are no longer sexually attracted to him and no longer enjoy sexual relations with him, then it may be important to both of you. If you would rather be with someone with whom you want to be physical, then you will not only miss something you enjoy by staying with him, but worse, you may end up wanting to leave him if you find someone else you are physically attracted to (and whom you also find to be "a very nice guy"). And if your boyfriend is someone who enjoys sexual relations and being "wanted", then it seems you should tell him how you feel, so that you can decide together whether you should stay together (e.g., he may prefer to be with someone who is more interested in him physically).

However, if you just mean that you have lost that initial spark we feel when we first start dating someone, then you are probably just like most people. That spark typically fades but without taking with it all interest in sexual relations. People often seem to give up on relationships too quickly because they lose that initial feeling of strong sexual desire and giddiness, but those feelings can transform into other wonderful feelings of attachment and attraction.

This is all pretty generic advice; the details will be crucial in determining how you should think about the issue and how you should approach it with him.

I think this is really a personal, even private question that involves many other questions: how important is the "chemical spark" for you? If you no longer have romantic feelings for him, does he know this or, if he does not know, should you tell him so as not to mislead him into thinking the relationship is very different from what it actually is for you --perhaps a non-romantic friendship? If you ceased dating, would the relationship transition into a friendship? Are you at an age and in a place when meeting others whom you can connect with --both sensually and in terms of friendship- is possible?

I know of a number of couples in different age groups who certainly appear to be happily married, though romance or the "chemical spark" seems to be very subordinate to a life-long, profound friendship, and I know some couples who give primacy to eros and little thought seems to be given to a deep friendship between them. Personally, I would prefer only choosing friendship AND eros, but (again this is personal) I think that if one HAD to choose between the two types of relationships, I would go with the one that was built on a profound friendship for, in the end, I think eros without friendship is very hard to sustain, or at least sustain with the same person as time goes by.

Question I have been dating a guy for about a year, and the chemical spark has faded for me. How important is this in a relationship? He is a very nice guy and I realize the value of this in a long term relationship. Accepted:September 23, 2010

Question I have been dating a guy for about a year, and the chemical spark has faded for me. How important is this in a relationship? He is a very nice guy and I realize the value of this in a long term relationship.

Accepted:
September 23, 2010