Topics Ethics

Question My wife was diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease at the age of 62 almost immediately after we retired. I was her sole caregiver for over 6 years until she entered a nursing home this year. She is deteriorating at a greater rate and, for instance, she no longer recognizes her grandchildren. She does recognize me and apparently gets pleasure when I visit. I intend to continue visiting regularly at least until she no longer recognizes me. I do not even consider divorcing her - we have been married 43 years and she was always my best friend. I am a relatively young 70 years of age. How do I reconcile my own needs including having a female companion with my marriage vows?

Accepted:
June 29, 2010

Comments

This is such a profoundly personal question, my fellow panelists might want me shot for trying to respond, but I shall do my best. First, your role as caregiver for 6 years is an extraordinary act of fidelity and the fact that you have had children and children's children plus friendship for 37 years is a tremendous, profound achievement. And your hesitancy in seeking female companionship while still legally married is further testimony of the love you must have shared (and still share) with your wife.

I have known husbands in your position who decided to seek female companionship under precisely those conditions and whose children and grandchildren approved. And in one case I know of, the husband waited until his wife died before marrying the woman whose companionship he enjoyed during his first wife's protracted suffering from Alzheimer's. The man and his new companion are now happily married, so the option you are considering has been carried out, without apparent injury or suffering to the first wife, the husband, and the person who became his second wife.

Thinking about the matter further, there are two questions you may consider: What would you want her to do if the roles were reversed? And what do you think she would do (or would want to do) if the roles were reversed? The answers need not match. For example, I honestly think that if I was in the position of deteriorating from Alzheimer's I would want my wife to continue visiting and loving me, but I would also want her (if she so desired) to have a romantic companion / friend. But I think (and for now this is ONLY a thought experiment, so under the actual conditions, I might act differently) that I might find it very hard to have a female companion / sexual partner when my wife was in such a condition of deterioration and even after her death. Not that I would find it unethical or even contrary to a deeply religious approach to life, but I would probably see it as a further act of fidelity by not seeking sexual fulfillment outside the marriage (though such a renunciation would be compatable with having close female friends....). This is a strictly personal matter, however, and seems to me to be not in keeping with any known moral oor religious duty. In any case, you may be in a position were there is a match: if your wife could somehow know of your needs and situation, would she approve and desire your fulfillment? And if you were in her position, would you want her to seek companionship if you were the one with Alzheimer's and she desired male companionship? A 'yes' to these questions may bring some light.

There is one other matter to consider: In the medieval philosophy of love that many of us still accept, there are two kinds of love: beneficent love and unitive love. The first involves the desire of the good of the beloved and the second is the desire to be united with the beloved. Most in this tradition (from Augustine to Aquinas through the Cambridge Platonists) have held that beneficent love takes primacy over unitive love. What follows from this tradition, is that love is at its best when it longs for the good of the beloved. You may be in a position where you have done all you can for the good of your beloved and that fulfills and honors your marriage vows. At a point where unitive love with her is no longer possible, then it may be that you have acted fully and completely and honorably in your marriage, and seeking a female companion / beloved in no way diminishes the love that has been so ably demonstrated in your marriage.