Topics Ethics

Question If one perceives that one is in a one-sided friendship......is it ethically necessary to inform the indifferent friend that you are no longer pursuing the friendship.....or is it better to just let the matter lie.....I ask the question in order to more fully understand what the bonds of friendship actually might be......Thank you for your attention. lisa m.

Accepted:
June 28, 2010

Comments

Dear Lisa M: Great question!

Without knowing the details, I think the answer to your question depends upon the kind of friendship you have. Some friendships are established with something like vows such as 'I will never lie to you' or 'I will always be your friend, no matter what!' If some kind of promise has been made, it seems that one would have some obligation to be disclosive, even if that involved hurting the other party. But if there has been no explicit promise, it does not seem that the person who is no longer interested in the friendship has a duty to tell the other person, especially if no evident harm will occur from the person not knowing.

There is an old saying "A friendship that ends is no friendship." I don't know whether that is quite right or whether you agree or disagree. If it is right, then there was no friendship there at all. But let's say it is wrong (as I suspect it is) and you and the other person actually were genuine friends; there was an authentic, freely given affection between you, shared confidences and so on. In that case, I suggest that even if the friendship ends it might still be good for you to not harm your former friend by declaring the friendship over. In other words, it might be better just to let things go, but to still honor the friendship you once had. Such honor might take the form of not revealing confidences, not trying to injure the former friend's reputation, and perhaps (more positively) you might honor the former friendship by genuinely wishing the person well.