Question If, due to unforeseen circumstances, you find love, outside of your committed relationship, what do you do? (This said, obviously you've already gone outside of your "commitment" and remember, things are always more complex than they appear.) The question is this: is your obligation to the commitment or to find your own happiness?

Accepted:
June 28, 2010

Comments

My Loving Friend,

Man, do I wish I head that back-story that is "more complex"! It seems to me that there are several possible scenarios that have brought you to this point, and the details of those scenarios might make a difference in what I am about to say. But lacking the details...I press onward!

First, let's take it as a given that your partner in the committed relationship does not know you have found extra-curricular love, and will be hurt to discover this, and you are anxious to avoid this hurt.

Nonetheless, I believe it is your duty to tell this person right away what has transpired. A list of reasons why you should disclose this information:

the physical: if this love with the other person has been consummated, you are introducing a third person's sexual history into your relationship. This might have health consequences for everyone.

the historical: you forged a responsibility to him/her when that commitment was made. The fact that you cannot uphold it "forever" may be disappointing or liberating, but it is still a commitment. You have a responsibility to see the commitment through to its proper end, even if that end isn't exactly the "'til death" sort of end you both may have had in mind at the time you made it.

the empathetic: even though you have found love with another, I take it from your question that you don't want to hurt your current partner. You think you can avoid hurting him/her by keeping mum about your true love. But this necessarily will involve some sort of lying - or at least misrepresenting your feelings about the relationship. I think it was Kant who said that a lie is worse than outright violence, because with lies the victim doesn't even understand he is being victimized. This plays your partner for a fool, who then is doubly hurtful when she or he eventually learns the truth - and the truth always surfaces. It is most sensitive and respectful to just come out with it now.

the self-interested: It seems unlikely to me that you will find any sort of personal happiness until this situation with the committed partner is finally resolved.

You have an obligation to the commitment. Fulfilling this obligation means treating your partner with empathy and respect and honesty. If you do this, I think you have a chance at finding happiness

If you do tell you partner in the committed relationship that you have found love elsewhere, you might still be surprised with how it all ends. Your partner might feel a weight has been lifted off of him, glad to finally be free of you! Or else your partner might be devastated and angry. Or perhaps this person will be eager to go to counseling to fix the problem. If there is some shared family life between you (children, relatives, friends, pets, property) I expect your revelation will cause deep pain for both of you. However, I think it would be dishonorable to not take your partner's feelings seriously, no matter what they are. Good luck in the days ahead!