Topics Happiness

Question My father once told me: "do not expect anything from anyone, then you will live an easy and happy life". Is it true? Would I really live an easier life and would I be happier if I don't expect from a friend to call me from time to time or if I don't expect from my cousin to invite me to his birthday or going to extremes if I don't expect from my children to love me? I have thought about this a lot. Sometimes it makes things easier if I don't expect anything but can we generalize his statement?

Accepted:
June 10, 2010

Comments

Great, classic question that goes back to Ancient Greece. Stoics and some others taught that we should seek out a life that is free from passion about the future. They thought we should seek out what they called (in Greek) apatheia (from which we get the term apathy). Famously, Buddhists believe that a life of expectations is a life that is built on desire and thus can be the source of suffering. So, your father may have some serious philosophical and religious support! Also, there is some common sense to keeping expectations low, as this does (naturally) mean you will more likely be pleasantly surprised when your cousin calls and your children show you love. However, the philosopher William James and others have stressed the constructive, important role of HOPE. If you have no hope at all in running a race or in building a new friendship, odds are you are not going to be as committed to the run or the relationship. Loving another person also seems to involve hoping that the love is returned. To be sure, unconditional love will endure even if there is no return at all, but if I am loved (conditionally or unconditionally) I hope that the one who loves me hopes and expects me to return the love. There have been some recent studies on conflict resolution that also supports James' point of view. Apparently, when parties enter into negotiations to end conflicts there is a demonstrable difference between when both parties hope and expect a resolution versus when neither party expects a just resolution. So, your father has some serious support in the history of ideas, but I suggest there are cases when good expectations and hope can carry the day when it really matters.