Topics Ethics

Question I read an article by a pshychologist agony aunt which said that we should be carefeul with forgiveness, that when we forgive we are at some level accepting that we deserved the wrong done to us. The lady went on to say that it is not recommended that children or people who suffered abuse (physical, sexual, psychological and or emotional )as children be encouraged to forgive the offender - especially when forgiveness involves reconcilliation with the offender (does forgiveness always involve reconcilliation with the offender?). I think that this makes sense - however, it seems that this is not the general view. I feel that there is pressure on people to forgive and we often hear the phrase "you must forgive". People who cannot forgive feel bad because they feel that they have failed or are mean spirited. Are people who claim to always forgive merely forgiving petty slights or are they refusing to deal with the offence by ignoring it /putting it out of their minds? What are our views on the psychologist's article, etc.?

Accepted:
April 15, 2010

Comments

Having not read the article, it is difficult to provide a very direct response. But perhaps it will help to make a distinction.

Forgiveness can be the process by which people who were in conflict become reconciled. There can be value in such reconciliations, but it will also depend on what the costs are. I can think of no good reason for encouraging anyone to accept what is unacceptable (e.g. child abuse), or for someone who has been the victim of unacceptable treatment to be reconciled to the unrepentant agent of that victimization. So if we mean by "forgiving" that we no longer hold someone responsible for some wrong they did, I'm inclined to agree that we should not do that.

On the other hand, it seems to me that the very logic of forgiveness is that it wouldn't come into play unless we actually do recognize that the person to be forgiven aactually did something wrong. If we have reason to think that they have changed in such a way as not to do that sort of wrong again, and they feel genuine remorse for the wrong that they did, forgiveness seems much more appropriate.

Finally, I think we sometimes mean by "forgive" that we get move on, and don't allow the wrong that was done to us to continue to victimize us (in the way that continued feelings of anger or victimization can themselves damage our lives). I don't think this is actually the same as forgiveness, but I think sometimes this is what we mean when we urge other to forgive and forget. But it iss not really forgiveness or forgetfulness that is in order, but rather just moving on in one's life--letting go of the bad feelings that some wrong done to us can create in us.