Question Why do my parents tell me it is morally wrong to have a "hickey" or love bite on my neck. I am in a socially recognized relationship. Both of us are above the age of sexual consent in our country [several years above]. Neither of us are religious. Neither of us care about the judgment of the rest of the world. No one can see the mark, when my hair covers it. I am not in a professional setting that requires me to uphold any dress code or manner of behavior. I would just like to know what is so wrong about acknowledging that we enjoy giving pleasure to each other. Why is it morally wrong to have passion, and reciprocated enjoyment. Maybe we would be a less uptight society if we spent more time trying to find ways to bring people enjoyment and less time worrying about upholding some sort of stilted Victorian morality. Perhaps he takes umbrage to the fact that I, a woman, am enjoying sex? After all, it should be done for reproductive purposes only, in the dark, with only the man enjoying himself. Can any of you explain to me then, the error of my thinking? Or errors.

Accepted:
January 28, 2010

Comments

Greetings, My Daring Friend!

I wonder if the word 'wrong' is what is tripping everyone up. There are of course several nuances to wrong. It's wrong to text while driving (wrong = dangerous as well as illegal); it is wrong to end a long-time friendship for frivolous reasons (wrong = rash and inconsiderate and foolish); it's wrong to wear "mom jeans" (wrong = embarrassingly out of style).

When it comes to sporting love bites, I am not convinced the wrong committed by you rises to the level of a full-fledged moral wrong. It certainly is wrong in the sense that it violates a social norm of appropriateness, the norm being that evidence of sexual satisfaction should only be flaunted by rockstars.

But social norms about what is appropriate are deeply important and they can't be dismissed too quickly or cavalierly. They are the expectations of behavior, and each of us must make an account of ourselves. When someone flaunts such a norm - particularly one to do with sex - there will be a price to pay. The parental flack you are currently receiving is that price. If challenging this norm is important to you, then carry on. Besides, vampires are in vogue.

From what I recall (and I'm recalling going to a US highschool way back in the 20th century), there's quite a bit to the semiotics of hickeys. The bruise says something--to you personally, but also to the world (if you hair is mobile). It broadcasts "I have a boyfriend and we're intimate," but it also hints at sex to the point of hurting. Maybe your parents have concerns about the broadcasting, or about "to the point of hurting." Maybe they're wondering "what next?" Maybe... Well, you could speculate endlessly. There's no way to know without asking them. You might discover that they're worried not so much about morality but about your emotional and physical health.