Topics Love

Question Is it better to marry someone you like and get along with or to marry someone with whom you are passionately in love? I am married to a man who I get along with and have some affection for but I do not love him and now realise that I never did. However, I get on fine with him. The fact that I am largely indifferent to him means that I am not really affected by his lack of love, affection or regard for me - nor do I generally want his company. The same applies for him - as he feels more or less similarly for me. We have not discussed our feelings with each other - but it is obvious. We have children and we stick together for their sakes and for convenience. I do not see our marriage breaking up. Some years ago I fell deeply in love with another man. I am still in love with him and I think that he feels the same. However, nothing happened between us nor will it ever happen - nor do I want anything to happen as I know that I would not be able to cope with any form of rejection from him. If I was married to him I would be insecure because I would always fear that he would stop loving me. I would love to think that deep passionate love would work but I doubt it. Am I right?

Accepted:
July 7, 2009

Comments

While it is difficult for me to think that your marriage is anything close to an ideal, the very fact that it seems stable--you do not see the marriage as breaking up--is a big plus in its favor. That means that your marriage is working better than all of those that do end up breaking up, and that in itself is a considerable accomplishment. The one worrisome note you really sound in your description is that you have stayed together at least partly for the sake of your children. That motive, plainly, will be removed wwhen they leave the home, leaving only "convenience," as you put it, as a basis for staying together.

What you describe is, I think, at the low end of what is true in most marriages that stay together. Many people who regard themselves as madly in love get married, but find that their affections cool over the years. One sometimes hears about people who claim that their relationships remain as "hot" and passionate as ever throughout the years, but I really think this is either extremely uncommon--or actually just false. For most of us (if we're lucky and have chosen our partners wwell), the romantic and erotic elements calm down, though without wholly disappearing, and what remains is (mainly) partnership, companionship, and friendship. It sounds like your marriage doesn't provide much of these things, which is why I characterized it as "at the low end" among marriages that stay together. I really believe you and your husband could improve in these areas if you tried--perhaps a marriage counselor could help here. But this is only worth your pursuing if one or both of you find (particularly after the children leave) that the marriage itself is reaching a point where there seems to be no very good reason to sustain it.

As for your other love, I would be willing to bet you that if you did pursue it as a full-time relationship, you would either be very sorry you did (for reasons such as the ones you mention--or worse!), or else you would find that it soon began to settle into a relationship much more like your current marriage than you would have hoped. And the latter scenario, frankly, seems to me to be close to a "best case" scenario. Your love for the other man continues to feel strong and a case of being "deeply in love" at this point, because the two of you have never really allowed it to play out in the normal ways.

For what it is worth, my own opinion is that the best reasons for getting married and staying married are that a couple feel they can forecast solid partnership, companionship, and friendship indefinitely into the coming years. Being "deeply in love" is a wonderful experience, but it doesn't last (at least, unless it is constantly frustrated).

The gist, then, is that I think your own decisions and conclusions are mostly right...but I would also urge you to consider how you might improvee things with your husband, because it sounds like you could both do better with one another.

I like Nicholas's response as-is, but will chime in here with a book recommendation: Robert Solomon's book About Love is an absolutely fantastic work. It is written to be accessed by anyone interested in love, marriage, or relationships. It is wonderfully clear and has been the intellectual highlight of my summer. I think it would help you thinking through your decisions ahead. Good luck.