Topics Love

Question How can there be romantic love when the formula for attraction is selfishness? Psychologists and pick up artists know that women are attracted to men who sturdy frame and material assets. Conversely, men are attracted to women if she has a nubile body. I know there are other factors but the point is nobody decided who they will marry by asking "what kind of person needs me the most?" It's always "What kind of person do !I! want to be with?" So how can married people really love each other?

Accepted:
January 30, 2009

Comments

You seem to be beginning with the assumption that romantic love must be essentially unselfish, that people must be motivated to love their lovers for the sake of their lover (only?) and not themselves (at all?). I'm not sure why we should think that's true.

Perhaps it seems that way because we normally assume that people are and should be willing to sacrifice their own interests for the people they love. And that surely is true. But those unselfish feelings and behaviors that occur within the relationship are (a) entirely consistent with falling in love for more selfish reasons, some you are aware of--the other person makes you feel good in lots of way--and others you aren't aware of--your genes dispose the development of your brain so that it picks up on features of your lover that make them appear attractive to you (there's all those studies on pheremones), and (b) entirely consistent with your continuing to get satisfaction from your relationship and that being a significant motivation for continuing in it.

You seem to be pointing to a common confusion in the debate about whether we are only nice to others for ultimately selfish reasons. But if making others happy, helping them, even sacrificing your own material goods and time for them, makes you feel good and if part of your motivation is that good feeling, I think it is still accurate to say that you are being altruistic (and loving) rather than selfish.

The tricky case is what happens if, for whatever reason, you lose the good feelings. Will you still be good to your lover? Do you still love him/her? Perhaps there is a deep sort of committed love that endures in these cases. But perhaps it is no longer romantic love?