Question I am a married man of 11 years with two children under 9 years. My wife and I are on the verge of a divorce and are waiting until after the holidays and figuring out the logistics of the house, finaces and child care. Nine months ago I met a younger married woman and since then we have been having an affair. We talk, text, email almost every single day. We see each other once or twice a month sometimes 2-4 days at a time. The emotional, mental and physical realtionship we have is amazing. We are like bestfriends and lean on each other for daily life issues. While my marriage is over her marriage is just starting the process of needing to change things drastically or it is over forever. She has been married for 4 years and has no children so while there is not as much to worry about it is still a very hard decision and she is taking things day by day. There is no doubt that we love each other but we obviously know there are many obstacles. 1) we are married 2) I have two children and she has none (and I have had a vasectomy) 3) I am 12 years older than her 4) we live an hour and a half away from each other. All of these issues have been discussed and other than her marriage we have come up with mutual options. The problem is we really love each other and are so much alike, her counselor has actually mentioned the words "Soul Mate". We have told each other numerous times that we'd leave each other alone so we could make clear decisive decisions in our own personal lives and if it is meant to be then it will happen. The problem is we can't stop talking we always migrate back to each other. I can honestly say she is my bestfriend and cant imagine nothaving her in my life somehow even if it is just as friends. Do I leave her? Do I fight for her? Am I just lonely and find our relationship comforting? I don't want to mess her life up but I want to be happy also.....

Accepted:
December 11, 2008

Comments

If you really want to take a philosophical approach to your situation, then there are all sorts of things to think about--the ethics of divorce, the special responsibilities we have to children, the ethics of having affairs, the nature of romantic love, as opposed to the love we feel for our children. If you look at all those issues dispassionately, you may very well have to conclude that you have a duty to at least try to repair your marriage and preserve your children's home. I suspect, from the way you ask the question, that you want the advice that having a soul mate is more important than anything else and worth fighting for no matter what. I'm afraid I can't think of any good reason to believe that's true.