Topics Ethics

Question I would like to forgive someone who is doing wrong to me. But is it asking for too much if I wanted to make sure that the person knows that I am forgiving them? In other words, they may not even know that they have offended me. I feel that if I just forgive and forget such incidents, since the other person does not know that a) something they did offended me b) I choose to forgive them, then I think it is meaningless to forgive. In reality, there is no forgiving taking place in such cases, if it is not "pre-announced". Am I thinking it right? Or is it taking a higher path to just forgive - never bother about whether the "forgivee" understands it or not? On the other hand, will it become a real forgiving if it is pre-announced and credit is taken while doing so?

Accepted:
August 21, 2008

Comments

I really found this a very interesting question, and in some ways, I am as much interested in asking other questions than in providing answers. So let me begin that way: You say you want to forgive someone who "is doing wrong" to you. I emphasize these words because they puzzle me--usually one forgives a wrong that was, not one that continues. So my question is, why do you want to forgive that person now? Isn't it peerhaps a bit premature for forgiveness at this point? Perhaps you should be focused on getting them to stop wronging you, and then, if that works, you can think some more later about forgiving them. You seem to suspect that they are unaware of the offense. You need either to distance yourself, in that case, or make them aware of the wrong. So something other than forgiveness seems to have priority here.

The second question I have is this: Just who is this supposed to be about? Are you forgiving them for their sake, or is this more about you? Or is there someone else, whose good you seek in this case? It sounds to me as if you want to give this person a lesson of some sort, so your urge to forgive has more than a tinge of punishment/correction around the edges, so to speak. By "forgiving" them in the way you want, they will be forced to see that they have wronged you, and even though you forgive them, I think you want a certain kind of reaction from them. So it seems as if your "forgiving" is really something more like an exchange, one that the other person would not initiate (for I gather he or she may be unaware that there is any problem here at all), and might not readily accept. People who do not think they have done anything wrong would not generally think it is appropriate for others to "forgive" them, so in this case your forgiveness would not really be much of a gift, and may turn out feeling to them more like a kind of aggression.

I am inclined to think that genuine forgiveness is really valuable in two ways: First and perhaps foremost, forgiveness is good for the one who forgives, by letting go of the anger and hostility that is engendered without one who has been wronged. So a good reason to forgive is so that you can go forward in your life unburdened by the negativity having been wronged tends to put on you. Let it go and move on. But this plainly does not require anything from the one forgiven, including any knowledge of the forgiveness.

Secondly, it is a very important thing for people to forgive and be forgiven where the relationship between them is important and continuing. If someone wrongs me and I am not likely to encounter them again, then it may be that I need to let it go and forget about it, but it is not as clear to me that I really need to forgive them. I just need to move on, and perhaps I will be best able to do this by forgiving them. Maybe I can move on without forgiving, however, but just letting go. So it doesn't seem to matter so much whether one forgives, in this sort of case, as long as one can move on effectively and without further hindrance. If someone continues to be a part of my life, however, forgiveness soothes and smoothes the relationship. But it serves no purpose if the wrongdoing continues, or if the one forgiven is unaware of the need for such forgiveness. So this cycles me back to my first question: If this other person continues to wrong you, or is unaware of the offense, what you should be thinking about now is fixing that problem, and not worrying about forgiveness at this point. Once that is fixed, then consider carefully whether your "forgiveness" is really more about exacting a kind of revenge than about allowing bygones to be released.