Question I have a daughter that is 14 years young. As a mother I understand that teenagers in her age grow up and they want to have fun, most of them with the guys. But still I can't let her go out. I think it's wrong. But my question is, Is that really wrong? Because I remember myself in her age... I also see the friends around her, they don't go out... well she's the only one. But she suffers because of me not letting her to have a boy-friend. Do you think I should let her? Because I'm really confused...

Accepted:
July 22, 2008

Comments

As a parent myself, my first reaction to your question is to say that it sems to me confusion about what is best for one's children is more the norm than the exception. Hardly a day goes by in my own case in which I feel profound uncertainty about how I should handle the wonderful and terrible project of parenting! So take whatever I say now with a boulder of salt, because, as you see, I regard myself as deeply in the dark about such things, at least as much as you feel you are.

It does seems to me, however, that there will prove to be increasing limits on the degree of control you will have over this issue, and so you should right now be thinking of something like an "exit strategy," by which I mean that you should be considering what you want your daughter to be able to think and do for herself (and without any interference from you) in regard to her relationships with boys in the coming few years. Then, think of ways you can help her to achieve the sort of prudent and deliberative reactions that would eliminate the need for you to take protective measures at all. The fact is that you are already losing control of your daughter, and that process is going to continue--even escalate--in the coming years. For now, yes, you can simply prevent her from going out with boys. But very soon now, you will not be able to prevent much of what you fear most for her--she will have to do all that on her own.

So to answer your question with another question, I would ask you to consider whether a strict policy of not going out is, in your opinion, the best strategy for helping her to learn to be appropriately cautious and prudent in the ways she is going to need to be. Of course, at such an early age, there needs to be a lot that is off-limits. But is there no place, no time, no way at all that your daughter cannot begin now to have the sorts of independent experience with boys that will show her what she needs to be careful about, watch out for, and so on? Her interests in boys, I assure you, will not be eliminated or even diminished by adding the fascination of their being forbidden to her! How will she build the skills she will need--for one of the most important (and often difficult) aspects of adult human life? When will you consider the process of slowly releasing the limits, all the while guiding and advising her--because if you don't, she will simply void them and operate behind your back?

I guess what I am inclined to think is that not all of the sort of contact your daughter now finds interesting is "wrong," as you put it. Her interest, after all, is natural, and comes with the process of growing up. Your daughter may be reaching this stage earlier than her friends, but that doesn't mean that she hasn't actually reached this stage, or that you can really succeed in delaying entirely what is actually a very natural development. Increasingly, the only effective role you will be able to play in this is as a guide, advisor, and confidante--rather than as an absolute ruler. If you cling too long to the role you played when she was a small child, you risk losing the very influence she needs you to have during her adolescence and early adulthood. Don't make that mistake! Try now to begin to release your grip a bit, and remind yourself that allowing her to make some mistakes on her own is the only sure way to help heer to learn how best to behave as an adult must do.

I hope you find this at least a little helpful. And now...can you give me some advice about my own children? I'm scared to death sometimes about them!

I agree completely with all of Nicholas Smith’s suggestions about parenting. I especially like his remarks about the importance of an "exit strategy." Our job as parents, after all, is to raise our children to be independent and responsible adults, but they can hardly acquire these skills if they are never able to make their own decisions and learn from their own, hopefully minor, mistakes. We do want our teenagers to feel comfortable coming to us for advice and insight, not worried that they will get harsh judgment or even punishment, because as Prof. Smith suggests, if they fear this response, they simply will not come to us at all.

At the same time, though, the high rates of teenage pregnancy and of women and children living in poverty remind us of the decisions that many fourteen year old girls will make when given the opportunity. This fact might suggest to us that many fourteen year old girls are not yet ready to make wise decisions for themselves. In such circumstances, it is our responsibility as parents to be "paternalistic"– to prevent them from making mistakes that will have lasting and negative implications for their lives. However, it might also suggest that being a mother is, in fact, given the circumstances in which they find themselves, the best chance that many young women will have of living a life with some meaning and significance, no matter how many challenges they will face as single mothers with no marketable skills.

And so, I would add to Prof. Smith’s difficult advice to help your daughter to develop the deliberative skills needed for wise independent decisions, even more difficult advice. If you are inclined to restrict your daughter’s activities because you are reasonably fearful of the consequences of the choices that she will make, see what you can do to make sure that the choice that you most fear isn’t in fact the best choice for her. What, other than being with her boyfriend, does she most love to do? What sorts of talents does she have that she could develop? Does she have the opportunity to pursue these activities and develop these talents? Or is it boyfriend or boredom? And when she looks into her future, does she have any hope for fulfillment other than through young motherhood? If not, then even the wisest deliberator will make the choices that you most fear.

While I think that these are questions that we as parents must ask ourselves when we are tempted to shake our heads at the so-called "poor choices" made by teenagers, I really think that our society bears an even greater responsibility. There is only so much that parents who themselves have very few options can do to provide options for a meaningful and fulfilling lives for their children. If we want our young citizens to avoid certain choices (teenage pregnancy, gang membership, etc.), we need to make sure that our society isn’t structured so that these are the very best choices open to them.

Just three quick afterthoughts, to add to Nicholas Smith's and Jyl Gentzler's wise but perhaps slightly daunting words.

First, remember most teenagers do survive just fine (with a bit of a close shave here, and an emotional storm or two there): it is our burden as parents to worry far too much. So when your daughter tells you to lighten up, she's probably exactly right!

Second, in any case, the big things that matter -- like your daughter's level of self-esteem, her self-confidence, how she regards men, and so on -- were shaped years ago. It's too late to do very much about them, and being over-protective won't help one bit. So the best thing you can do now is to be positive and supportive in her next phase of growing up.

And third, to get back to the question originally asked: is it wrong to let her go out? Well, how could it possibly be wrong, if she's an ordinary girl wanting to do ordinary things? I can't see any compelling moral principle that has that implication. So just set some sensible ground rules and insist they are stuck to ... and enjoy watching her become a young woman.