Question My husband and I are agnostic. His ex-wife is Christian. His children (ages 7 and 11) go to church with their mother and very religious stepfather. She has told them that she divorced their father because he wasn't Christian and that it's not okay to not be Christian (she left out the part about her adultery, but I digress). They have learned in church that all non-Christians go to hell and are not loved or forgiven by God. We found a worksheet from church with a list: Christian/Non-Christian. Under the Christian list, there was a glistening gold heart. Under the Non-Christian list, a flat black heart. Under each was a list describing the wonderful things that happen to Christians and the horrible things that happen to Non-Christians. You get the picture. The oldest son believes that my husband's grandmother, his great-grandmother, will go to hell when she dies because she is Jewish. They have been told not to question the Bible (or their church's interpretation of the Bible) because they are too young to know God. While I do not agree that children should be manipulated in this way, it is clear that their mother will not be changing churches. I'm afraid she may also use my husband's non-Christianity as leverage with regard to the boys. She gets to be good while her ex-husband is evil. My husband and I would like to teach the boys and my daughter about many religions and cultures, but the boys have been taught that anyone who tries to take you away from Jesus is evil and sent by Satan to throw you off course. Any time my husband tries to talk about it with the oldest, he gets quiet and ends the conversation. I always imagined I would let the children decide after they were well informed about many spiritual options and given the whole truth about Christianity's role in history. Would it be best for us to ignore the topic of religion with the boys, at least until they are old enough to make their own decisions? Should we take our chances and expose them to different religions (and atheism)?

Accepted:
June 13, 2008

Comments

I would not be that worried about the situation, however hard parents try to influence children there are always opportunities for them to work things out for themselves eventually. There are plenty of influences coming to them from elsewhere that will surely give them pause for thought in the future on this sort of topic. In some ways one might welcome the fact that they are being brought up by one parent in such an unusual and distinct manner, as compared with the majority of their peers.

Many of my students tell me quite frankly that it makes them sad that I am going to hell, according to their lights, since I am not a member of their religion, and I often reply that one day we shall know, and I may have some surprising company there. The most effective way of resisting the narrow message of a particular faith is not to oppose it fiercely, this only fans the flames, in my view.

"In some ways one might welcome the fact that they are being brought up by one parent in such an unusual and distinct manner, as compared with the majority of their peers." Oh, really? I think not. The kids are being subject to child abuse of a rather nasty kind (how else should we describe telling children that their greatgrandmother is going to be damned to hell?).

Of course, saying that doesn't settle how you should respond to the abuse. I agree with Oliver Leaman at least in this much: future influences are likely to counteract some of the effects. A healthy teenage dose of sex, drugs, and rock'n'roll will probably do wonders.

Still, you don't want your kids getting too caught up in some superstitious farrago in the meantime. What to do? I'd suggest some cheerful urbanity and gentle mockery (after all, kids rarely like to think that they are being uncool and rather silly). But why not try some philosophy too? Press the obvious questions with wit and good-humour when the occasion arises: "Oh really? How do you know?", "But don't people from other religions say the same about their beliefs?", "You really think that a God who would send greatgrandma to hell is good?", and so on and so forth. In the circumstances where they are being subjected to infantile fantasies, they might well appreciate some grown-up conversations.