Topics Ethics

Question I'm in a quandary. My question relates to when does a person's decisions about their own life become reliant on others' decisions; who should have the last say, as it were. My mother, an emigrant who returned to her own country, was recently widowed and has expressed a wish to return to the country where her children are, thus leaving her native country again. Her children, including me, have grave reservations as we think, amongst other considerations, that the trauma of the move may well impact on her health and actually shorten her life. I think she knows this and wants to move back anyway. Apart from all the obvious issues about grief and getting old and frail, for me a big issue is who am I to say she shouldn't come back? Because her decision would require co-operation of her children, does that mean our views should over ride hers? Because she is elderly, should our views have more validity than hers? I don't think there is a right or wrong solution to this but I would appreciate your thoughts. Thanks.

Accepted:
May 24, 2006

Comments

As you say, there may be no simply right or wrong answer to your question. It is one that many of us whose parents are aging have to face, in different ways.

But here are a few suggestions. First, I would propose (and can well imagine other philosophers reacting negatively, so stay tuned to see other reactions to your question!) that the best way to try to answer your question would be to avoid, as much as possible, trying to conceive of it in terms of one-size-fits-all general moral principles. If you and your other family members simply act on the basis of such principles, I think you will find that there are several that might seem to apply, and they may not all lead to the same results. And the worst risk of approaching it this way is that you find that you or other members of your family cannot actually LIVE in accordance with the supposedly right principle you settle on.

Instead, start here: This is your MOTHER we are talking about. I hope there is love involved in this decision, and affection, concern, and respect. Her wishes, it seems, are clear. I see nothing in what you have said that suggests she is incapable of making such judgments (you have some concern about her health, but say nothing about her mental fitness--so I am assuming that you do not suspect her of being unfit to make her own judgments). So assume that she is not unaware of the risks--indeed, it sounds to me as if she has evaluated them, and has decided that she is willing to take the risks of moving again in preference to the risk of growing infirm and dying so far from her loved ones. If you love her, you will take that very seriously.

But if she does move, it will have effects on others--not just you, but your other family members. Everyone in this situation should do their very best, first of all, to ask themselves, "Who am I? What sort of person do I want to be in this situation?" And then make the best practical judgments, balancing the needs and wishes of all you care for who will be affected by whatever decision is reached. How will you and the other members of your family feel, if you refuse to assist your mother in her final days? How will you and the other family members deal with your mother's needs and demands, if she does come?

Try to be honest with yourselves about this. Do you not want her to come? Why? If her coming will spoil other lives, then this, too must be a significant factor--but it will not then be a matter of making decisions for someone else, but of each person making honest decisions about themselves, and who they care most for.

In brief, then, start with where the love is, and respect that and make a sensible judgment that takes every important instance of that into account.

Good luck to all of you!