Topics Love

Question What is virtuous about a partnership in marriage (not necessarily the legal construct - the idea of committing to a life together)? What characterizes what is virtuous in leaving such a partnership (even) when the partners love each other and want one another to flourish but one partner doesn't see the partnership as a whole flourishing? To put it another way: How is it that most of the parts of such a partnership can individually appear to be so esteemable, and even to outweigh the less esteemable parts, and yet the whole be judged lacking?

Accepted:
March 24, 2006

Comments

This is tough to answer in the abstract, but I'll give it a shot bysupplying a bit of hypothetical context. First, I think it matters agreat deal which specific parts of the partnership are esteemed, andwhich not, in the calculation of the value of the partnership as whole.For instance, it may be that both parties value highly going out toeat, discussing politics, spending time with family and working out atthe gym. Additionally, both parties like one another and there is peacein the home. However, as it happens, there isn't a lot to laugh aboutin a day either, within the partnership domain, i.e., not a lot of joy.How to assess the quality of such a partnership?

Here there isno objective standard, to be sure, for much depends upon thespecificity of the feelings, desires, and values of the individuals,along with their own idiosyncratic histories, much of which is not soeasily tracked by introspection. So: on one scenario, daily laughtermay be valued somewhat by both parties, and the value of the many othershared activities outweigh this attribute or lack thereof. On adifferent scenario, this ability to laugh at life's trials and at one'sown bloopers, and a capacity for joy regardless, may matter a greatdeal to one party, more than he or she realizes; in this case, it couldrender the partnership as a whole less esteemable, depite the many,many valued shared aspects AND the felt sense by BOTH parties that themany more positive parts outweigh the negative one(s).

This mayseem puzzling, but becomes less so if one sees that the character ofthe relationship between the different parts of a relationship (as wellas their weighting) is often less than straightforward. Thus, to staywith my hypothetical case, on the second scenario, it may be the casethat the attribute of laughter (or lack thereof) is something that"colors" or insinuates itself into all of the other activities(positive and negative), affecting the overall quality of the relationship, eventhough in discussion it is assigned a quite specific place in thehierarchy of valued aspects.

That said, I do believe that it canalso be the case that the worth of a partnership as a whole isstraightforwardly a result of a calculation of the value of differentparts of which it is made. It all depends upon the individuals involvedand the character of the parts that comprise their respectivepartnerships.