Topics Ethics

Question I've told some very stupid lies recently, and on reflection obviously wish I could take them back. But the prospect of going to the people I've lied to and straightening things out is not so easy to commit to. Is there some kind of moral compulsion to confess to all the lies I've told, or can I balance against it things like losing respect and hurting people?

Accepted:
April 6, 2006

Comments

It's very hard in a matter like this to avoid self-deception -- hard, that is, to separate the (morally irrelevant) discomfort involved in straightening things out from the (possibly morally relevant) concern of not hurting people. Here it may help to imagine yourself in the position of the other (the one you have lied to), reflecting on how important the truth would be to her and how hurtful its belated revelation.

The weight of the first of these considerations depends on the (esp. expected future) importance of your relationship. If you told some tall tale to a stranger on a train, then letting these lies stand is unlikely significantly to augment the harm. So there may then be no great moral urgency to try to locate that stranger in order to set things right. You've acted wrongly, but there is no serious wrong in just letting things ride.

At the other extreme, if you lied to the person you love and hope to spend your life with, then the reason for straightening things out is much stronger. For her sake (and even for your own), you don't want her to commit to such a life with you partly on the basis of lies you told her. To be sure, in such a case your confession is likely to be much more hurtful to her (than that to the imaginary stranger), and also much more uncomfortable for you. And yet, by coming clean you would also make quite clear your solid commitment to a relationship without lies. To be sure, she may find the lie unforgivable and sever relations. But is she not entitled to make this choice?

There are cases intermediate between the stranger and the intended spouse; and the sketched reasons toward coming clean are there of intermediate strength. Other things equal, the more important the person is to you, and you to her, the stronger are the moral reasons to straighten things out.

One final thought. As you make clear, you do not want to be the kind of person who tells stupid lies. And the painful experience of coming clean may be a good way of breaking with the past and of getting a substantial step closer to being the person you want to be (for your own sake, hence regardless of whether others give you credit for this effort).