Question Am I morally bound to tell my sex partner if I fantasize about someone else whilst making love to her? Or the subject of the fantasy for that matter? SteveB

Accepted:
January 25, 2006

Comments

Do you want her to feel obliged to tell you (do you even really want to know) what she is thinking of in those moments? Chances are you are both happier together as things are now. And the two of you have surely no duties to anyone else to change your ways.

The claim, that "Chances are you are both happier together as things are now," seems to me to be an empirical issue, not a philosophical one. Further, I can imagine many scenarios in which it is false. Much depends on what is meant by "happier." But whether "happier" means "the relationship as whole will be better/happier" or, instead, "your sexual experiences together will be better/happier," it would seem not to be a question that philosophical expertise could answer. I hope that our answers to sex questions do not come to mimic the pop psychology and psychobabble we hear sufficiently on the Jerry Springer and similar shows. Finally, the heart and soul of philosophy is argument, providing reasons for claims, including claims about morality and duties. In the answer to the question above, I cannot find a shred of argument. We should also avoid, that is, pastoral or friendly counseling. Without rigor, philosophy is nothing.

Now, now, Alan, don’t you think you’re being a bit hard on Thomas? I dothink that many people feel duty bound to reveal every wayward thoughtto their partners, even when they know that their partners would prefernot to know (I’m with Thomas– I would prefer not to have suchknowledge, thank you very much) and even when they know that therelationship and those in it would suffer from such a revelation(again, speaking only personally, while I know that it would notreflect badly on me to learn that my partner fantasizes about sex withsomeone else [after all, doesn’t everyone, no matter how stellar therelationship, think about sex with someone else?], I’m not sure that Iwould be so mature and rational as to not drive myself [and my partner]crazy by getting fixated on the particularities of the fantasy. Whyher? What does she have that I don’t have? And so on.). So what couldthe possible basis for the duty to disclose be, I take Thomas to beasking, if not considerations of autonomy and happiness? For anabsolutely wonderful discussion of this and the related question of whether one has a general duty to reveal to the protagonist of one's fantasy life that he or she serves as such (the answer is "no!"), seeThomas Nagel’s “Concealment and Exposure,” Philosophy and Public Affairs 27 (1998), reproduced in his collected essays by the same name.

My response was composed for Steve B. But, with thanks for Jyl's intervention, let me try to rephrase in a way that Alan may find more congenial.

Suppose you were indeed morally obligated to tell your sex partner when you fantasize about someone else whilst making love to her. This obligation would not be one owed to any third party. So it would have to be one you owe to her. But it is questionable that you owe her such disclosures. To see this, consider that, if you owed her such disclosures, then she would owe you such disclosures as well. Now ask yourself whether such disclosures from her would really be in your interest: Would you want to know what she fantasizes about when the two of you make love? Would you be happier if she gave you this information, or do you think she would be happier if she gave it to you? If the answers to these -- yes! -- empirical questions (see Q866 and answer) are negative, then it is hard to see how she could owe you such disclosures that you would not want and that would be of no benefit to either of you. And then you should assume that you don't owe her such disclosures either -- unless you have special reason to believe that she would want them or that she or you would benefit from them.

In my reply to Tom's reply, I asked for argument, reasons, what philosophers are supposed to do as philosophers, if not duty-bound to do. And, finally, he did it. Thank you, Tom. Maybe I am thick and hence couldn't read the argument(s) that really did exist between or amongst those three short sentences of the original reply. But if I couldn't see it, did SteveB?

Question Am I morally bound to tell my sex partner if I fantasize about someone else whilst making love to her? Or the subject of the fantasy for that matter? SteveB Accepted:January 25, 2006

Question Am I morally bound to tell my sex partner if I fantasize about someone else whilst making love to her? Or the subject of the fantasy for that matter? SteveB

Accepted:
January 25, 2006