Topics Ethics

Question A friend of mine has informed me that she has secretly stopped using birth control in hopes of becoming pregnant and forcing her boyfriend to quit the theological seminary program he's in to be with her. (He's training to be a Catholic priest; she's in love with him; obviously if he becomes a priest he cannot be with her.) My question is: Do I have any moral or ethical obligations to do anything? I don't really know the boyfriend that well. I think it's an interesting question because none of these people are purely good or purely evil. While my friend may be acting very selfishly, so is the boyfriend, since he's essentially just stringing her along until he reaches priesthood. What to do?

Accepted:
December 1, 2005

Comments

What a mess! Obviously, your friend and her boyfriend have some serious issues. What on earth is she doing dating someone in Catholic seminary? and what on earth is he doing still dating her? And man, what is he doing having sex with her? Is he unsure what he intends to do? Has he led her to believe he is unsure?

In any event, your friend's actions are extremely wrong, and the fact that he is also acting wrongly doesn't make her deception any more justifiable. (None of us is purely good or purely evil, but that does not mean we cannot do very good and very bad things.) Indeed, her actions are not only wrong but are self-destructive and immature, since he would be likely, at least at some level, if not simply outright, to resent both her and any child they might conceive, even if he did not suspect her of deceiving him, which he might well. (Moreover, if you know the truth, someone else probably knows, as well, and so he might well find out the truth. Lies have a way of being revealed.) A marriage born of such deception does not stand much of a chance of success. And what about the child? What chance does it stand? I'm afraid "very selfish" does not begin to do justice to your friend's actions.

You are in a very bad position, and I empathize, but I think you must, at the very least, speak directly to your friend about this matter and insist that she approach her boyfriend and force him to discuss the future of their relationship forthrightly. Threaten to reveal what you know, if you must. If he intends to become a priest, they should stop seeing each other; if not, then he should make that clear. Your friend will probably be angry with you and may end your friendship. That would be a huge cost of your so acting, but there is so much at stake here that you may simply have to make yourself pay it. On the other hand, your friend may have told you because she feels out of control and is (again at some level) asking you to help her put things right.

Please let me know how things turn out for you. (You can write me directly, by email.)